You have just discovered that your teenager is having sex. Now what?

Recently, I received a call from a friend of mine. She had seen messages on her daughter's phone revealing that the teenager was dating a boy from school, and my friend wanted advice.

I'm a health and sexuality educator (and mom of three), so I get calls like this from time to time.

In this case, my friend was worried about several things. She worried about her daughter's physical and emotional experience. She was worried that she had never heard of this boy before. And she was afraid to raise the issue since she was secretly looking at her child's phone.

I suggested that, first, she acknowledge his surveillance. Children deserve privacy, but if a parent wishes to maintain trust and open communication in the future, it's crucial to acknowledge that they checked their child's device and let them get angry at the boundary violation.

But what about my friend's other concerns? There's a lot of noise about teen sex, so separating fact from fiction can be helpful for any parent navigating this terrain.

The big picture

Despite what many people think, teenagers are generally less sexually active than they were before the COVID-19 pandemic. And they're certainly having less sex than teenagers did when most of us parents were in high school.

The decline in adolescent sexual activity has been identified since at least the 1990s. In recent years, various factors have contributed to this trend. The rise of technology serving as both entertainment and a social tool has played an important role. Additionally, the lasting effects of COVID-19 lockdowns have led to a decreased in-person interactions between friends. Economic concerns also appeared to be a factor in postponing many behaviors of young adults (notably sex, but also obtaining a driving license, obtaining a first job and moving).

In what I think is a more hopeful piece of the puzzle, there is also the fact that we are seeing increased awareness and education issues surrounding consent and personal boundaries, which have increasingly allowed adolescents to withdraw from sexual situations they are uncomfortable with or unprepared for.

This awareness has also led to a change in what is considered acceptable in certain communities. For example, a teenage boy I teach recently told me that he and his male friends don't drink at parties and wouldn't consider dating a girl who did. But overall, this is not always the case. According to the most recent Survey on risky behavior among young people from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, approximately 20% of adolescents reported drinking alcohol or using drugs before their last sexual experience. And sexual violence remains a reality for far too many teenagers of all genders.

It is also important for adults to understand that although sexual intimacy can be a positive and developmentally appropriate experience for older teens with caring partners, American adolescents face multiple barriers to achieving optimal sexual health.

Theseinclude a “lack of access to vital sexual health care services; lack of curricula and comprehensive sexual health education programs; stigma around STIs [sexually transmitted infection] prevention, screening and treatment; and lack of support from a trusted, caring adult,” said Jerrica Davis, executive director of the Healthy Teen Network, which aims to support young people in areas like sexual health, pregnancy and parenting, among others.

Indeed, many countries with similar social and economic profiles to the United States experience comparable rates of teenage sexual activity but lower rates of teenage pregnancies and infections.

How to be an approachable adult

Some parents may mistakenly believe that they are confident and caring adults towards their children when it comes to sexuality. Ana Ramos, who runs a bilingual English and Spanish organization called Family Sex Talkscautions parents against expecting their teens to initiate discussions and emphasizes the need for ongoing dialogue.

“Don’t expect your teen to come up to you and ask you questions about sex,” Ramos said. “And don’t expect to have just one discussion and be done with it.”

Communication does not always have to take the form of a conversation. “You can share books about sex with your teen and share age-appropriate articles or videos,” Ramos said.

A slightly more original idea? “You can text your kids” about these topics, Ramos said. Although most of us text our teens all the time, the idea of ​​texting about something serious can give parents pause. But if texting is the best way to communicate with your teen, it's a much better idea than abandoning all conversation altogether.

Michelle Hope Slaybaugh of the Sexuality Information and Education Council of America (SIECUS) also says adults need to be aware of the role technology plays in young people's sexual experiences.

“Sexual activity doesn’t happen exclusively in person, so there need to be conversations about cybersecurity,” Slaybaugh said. “Some of the most dangerous places for young children to be bullied are online. »

Adults should also evaluate the environment they create at home. Ask yourself if you have ever made derogatory remarks about sexually active teenagers, or if you have ever blamed the victim of sexual violence by saying something like, “Well, what did they expect next?” [insert any number of behaviors here].”

And, if you're not queer yourself, have you made it clear to your teen that you support LGBTQ+ youth, including, potentially, your own? The tone you set greatly influences whether your child will feel safe and comfortable seeking your advice or sharing their concerns with you.

What to do if your child is sexually active

Whether your child initiates a discussion about sex in advance or you become aware of a situation afterward, be mindful of how you approach the conversation.

“Don’t react, but respond,” said Mackenzie Piper, who designs and conducts trainings for Healthy Teen Network. “It is normal that when a parent/guardian first learns that their young person is sexually active, they will feel a heightened emotional response. … Reactions based on fear or anger, however, are not a recipe for productive, safe and trust-building conversations.”

At the same time, parents and guardians can work to create a welcoming atmosphere for teens to spend time with their partners at home. This can help you keep tabs on your child and is a great way to get to know the people in their life. If possible, consider contacting the parents or guardians of your teen's partner to discuss your position on topics like sleepovers, curfews, and ground rules.

You should also watch out for concerning behaviors in your teen's relationship, such as demands for constant control, attempts to limit outside social activities, or expectations for access to a partner's device . Such behaviors can easily be normalized, but they are warning signs of unhealthy relationships.

Parents should also think practically. If a young person is having sex that could lead to pregnancy or an STI, they may need your support to access things like birth control or to schedule health care appointments. Adult caregivers need to understand the political landscape in which they live and become familiar with the legal age of consent, laws surrounding abortion, and policies regarding minors' access to health care.

Ideally, adults and adolescents would have had conversations about sexual health well before a young person becomes sexually active. In my friend's case, some of these discussions had already happened, but she felt left out of her teenager's increasingly private life. After my friend admitted to the phone violation and recognized that her daughter's anger was justified, they were able to have a conversation that helped her feel much better and opened the door to more productive conversations at home. future.

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