Trump sentenced to staff duties over 4-day weekend

By Jeffrey Sowa

FORT LIBERTY, N.C. — Former President Donald Trump was ordered to work Friday staff work during the four-day weekend of June 19, sources confirmed today.

The 45th president will serve his sentence following his high-profile felony trial in New York, where he was convicted of 34 crimes.

“It’s an absolute disgrace and completely wrong,” Trump said before his assignment to the 82nd Airborne Division. “I'm completely innocent and everyone knows it and frankly it's a shame.”

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According to campaign officials, Trump had hoped to avoid the Juneteenth federal holiday weekend because the staff duty conviction would interfere with the former president's recognition of the importance of the holiday.

“Friends let me tell you the African American community is very important to me and people tell me I'm the second African American president, that's true,” he quietly texted a reporter from his service office. “So many plans for this Juneteenth, so many important events that I will miss because of sleeping Joe, low IQ and corrupt legal system, it's sad.”

According to sources familiar with the matter, Trump was reprimanded by the duty NCO Staff Sgt. Miguel Sanchez after failing to properly follow telephone personnel service procedures and injecting campaign messages into his calls.

“It’s me, your favorite utility rider,” Trump said over the phone. “I'm here with our wonderful military, we love our military, don't we? A big, strong and glorious army, many other countries have an army and many are charming but not as nice as ours.

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At one point, Trump was sent to the motor pool to wait for a company of soldiers to return from a nighttime training exercise, where he was able to speak with young servicemen.

“Wow, look at you all!” Fast and strong, you all look great,” Trump said of the soldiers returning from the field over the four-day weekend.

During the same shift, Captain Brandon Muehl inspected the personnel service area and, much to the former president's dismay, found that his cleaning of the lobby was insufficient.

“Brandon is a very stupid man and not intelligent at all,” the former president complained. “You know, cleaning a floor is very important. People don't realize it, but it's true. Clean soil is essential, as is a clean country. You want to make sure everything is spotless, right? You take the mop; you move it back and forth. It really is a wonderful thing.

According to a senior defense official, Trump now faces new charges after it was discovered he tried to pay another soldier to cover his shift with a $60 bribe and two trips to McDonalds.