Our teenage son has completely disengaged from us

Maybe there's something going on at school (make sure you connect with his head of year and get his perspective on how he's behaving at school). Or did something happen within his peer group? Or maybe something at home, like added stress or tension, a bereavement, or other significant change? As a first step, I always like to rule out any specific events that might be contributing to difficult behavior.

Adolescents experience a developmental spurt beginning in early adolescence (ages 13-15), peaking in mid-adolescence (ages 15-17), and generally beginning to settle down in late adolescence (17 -19 years old).

They are neurologically programmed to engage in risk-taking, impulsive, and reward-seeking behaviors. Most want to experience new tastes in music, fashion and friends, which impacts their attitude and behavior.

Adolescents prioritize peers and social life over time with their family while becoming more secretive, keeping certain aspects of their lives private and away from their parents.

They may become more abrasive and engage in conflict because they believe that following their parents' rules and demands is now their choice.

This stage of development is a hotbed of tension in the parent-adolescent relationship, but much of it is typical adolescent development, although difficult and unpleasant for parents to experience and experience.

It's all part of their process of separating from us, developing as independent young adults, and strengthening their identity and self-esteem.

That said, some teens' behavior falls into the “above and beyond” range and is not what we would call typical.

When we suggest psychotherapy to someone, it can trigger a defensive response, because when you're activated by stress, anxiety, or rage, even a genuine offer of help can feel judgmental.

I suggest you rephrase this suggestion and instead say that he deserves a space where he can talk openly about situations, people, and even his parents that cause him anger and distress.

If he chooses not to do so at this time, you may find it helpful to see a psychotherapist or psychologist who works with adolescents to better understand his behavior and how it affects you and causes you to respond more. a way that might not be. leading to the results you want.

Hold on to the parts of your relationship that are still functioning and positive.

Make sure you make eye contact when you talk to him, smile, and tell him you love him every day. Even if he ignores you, he hears you.

• I have several episodes aimed at teenagers on my 15 parental minutes podcast, starting with exa.mn/15-Minute-Teen-Parenting
• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please email it to [email protected]