My teenager is sinking into hypochondria, while I am really sick.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My son will be 18 soon and I know he is anxious about becoming an adult, but he has become increasingly clingy and descending into hypochondria. something He is “wrong.” He quickly lurches from one diagnosis to the next, from chronic fatigue syndrome and anemia to physically debilitating epileptic “seizures” (which have been ruled out by three different doctors), and now it’s lymphoma. I’ve reached out to his physical and mental health care team for advice, but haven’t gotten much response. I try to be patient and reassuring, but I’m on the verge of losing my cool. My days are constantly interrupted by his malingering; one minute he’s in pain, the next he’s full of life. To top it all off, I’m dealing with a scary diagnosis myself right now. It’s a neurodegenerative disease, and my physical symptoms have me shaking and losing my balance. I haven't talked to my kids about it much, and I'm trying to be brave, but seeing my perfectly healthy teenager pretending to have seizures and all that is not only hurtful, it's really pissing me off. My partner tries to ignore it, but I'm beside myself.

—Really sick

Dear Really Sick,

If you are not getting the cooperation you need from your son's health care team, it may be time to make some substitutions. It sounds like he could benefit from a good therapist who can communicate effectively with you. You are not sure whether his hypochondria is a real illness or something he is simply bringing on because he is afraid of becoming an adult, so be careful not to take it out on him. Patiently remind him that his doctor has examined him thoroughly and that he is not ill.

Your son is old enough to know your own diagnosis. Perhaps hearing him talk about what you are going through will help him stop acting like he is seriously ill. Explain what is happening to him (and advise him not to share this information with his siblings) and emphasize how different your condition is from his own “sick one minute, fine the next” behavior. Focus on finding a mental health professional who can properly address his issues. You need to know if he is really faking it or if he has reason to believe he is ill. Ask your son to be sensitive to what you are going through and to believe doctors when they tell him he is fine.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I am an African woman with a child from a Turkish man. We live together, although at first he denied that I was pregnant and would not acknowledge our child until he did a paternity test when he was 3 years old. My son's father has a 19 year old son from a previous marriage. He does not want to introduce him to our son and when I ask him why, he remains silent. I am considering moving out and starting my own life with our son, and I have the financial means to do so. Am I overreacting?

-Be fed up

Dear Marre,

I think the answer to your question lies in how he treats you in general. From what you've shared, I suspect it may not be very good. It was cruel of him to deny your pregnancy; even though he had good reason to believe someone else could have fathered your child, he knew he had sex with you, which ensured there was a chance your son was his. Three years is a long time to go without acknowledging your child. As for not introducing your son to his son, there's East It’s possible that his son isn’t a great kid. But if they seem to have a decent relationship, there’s probably a more nefarious reason for him splitting the boys up. I hate to say this, but I think it would be foolhardy to dismiss the possibility that he’s ashamed of having a black child; there’s a long history of non-black people lusting after black bodies but not respecting them enough to try to have a healthy relationship with them. Who is this man when it comes to you? If he treats you with love and respect, you may be able to look past those things. But if he makes you feel inferior or fails to demonstrate that he thinks highly of you, then I think it’s time for you to move on. If that’s the case, be prepared for him to be a less-than-enthusiastic co-parent, and don’t be afraid to use the courts to force him to provide you with the support you deserve.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter (who is a young teenager) is starting to eat less and less. A few weeks ago, she was eating three full meals a day, plus a few snacks. Now, she eats a few apple slices for breakfast and claims she is not hungry enough to eat more than a small portion of her dinner. At school, she is supposed to receive school lunches, but in the last week or so, I have not received any notifications that she has purchased anything (her school uses an app system that notifies parents if their child(ren) purchase something). She rarely eats snacks.

I'm worried about her. I checked out her YouTube channel last night (she's half aware that I'm looking at her phone). Her watch history is full of “diet tips” and “weight loss goals.” For the record, she's at a healthy weight, but she looks a little chubby because she's very short for her age (although I've never mentioned this to her). I don't know how to approach a conversation with her about this without putting her on the defensive; all I want to do is help her.

—Weight loss is not necessary, she is a teenager

Dear, weight loss is not necessary,

You should gently confront your daughter about the changes in her eating habits and what you have found in her research. Ask her why she feels the need to lose weight: has someone told her something or is she just comparing herself to other girls? Tell her that it is normal to want to be healthy, but that she does not need to skip meals or count calories. Encourage her to eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly instead of depriving herself. Talk to her about eating disorders and the dangers of severely restricting young people when they are still growing and need large amounts of food each day. Involve her in meal planning and help her identify palatable foods that will give her energy without excess salt or sugar. Affirm her body and make sure she is exposed to media and books that feature characters of different body types. Make sure you don't say negative things in front of her about your own body, or anyone else's, for that matter. The Teen's Guide to Intuitive Eating presents body positive tips for having a healthy relationship with food. If she is not able to adapt to a healthy diet instead of just not while eating, you should consider taking her to a therapist who treats young people with eating disorders; I'm not saying she has one, but you don't want to wait until she does to take action.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am the father of a 16 year old daughter, “Bianca”. We have always gotten along well, but recently it seems like she wants to spend less and less time with me, and I am worried about her. Her mother (my wife) passed away a few months ago, and this has affected Bianca deeply. Since her mother died, Bianca has become increasingly withdrawn. She doesn't want to talk to me, she doesn't want to sit down with me to eat, she doesn't want to spend time with me at all, ever. If I ask her why, she says it's because I “make things worse for her” (or something like that), but she won't clarify what that means, so I am left baffled. Every attempt to talk to her/spend time with her ends with her yelling at me for no apparent reason. I know she's upset about her mother (me too), and I bought her a book on grief, but I don't know what else to do.

—She doesn't even look at me

Dear She Won't Do It,

Your daughter could use some psychological help. She is dealing with one of the most devastating things that can happen to a person, and at a very young age. She clearly doesn't feel like she can express her feelings to you, and that may be because she doesn't understand them well herself. Ideally, you could find a provider who will meet with Bianca individually, as well as with you. It would also be wise for you to get help yourself; you have suffered a great loss and are supposed to be helping a child cope, which is incredibly difficult work. It's good that you got Bianca a book on grief, but you should also read about how teenagers cope with death. Guide for Parents of Grieving Children This will help you understand better what your daughter is going through and will also give you tips on how to handle the situation. Try to keep the memory of your wife alive in your daughter's life. Talk to her about her mother, make sure there are pictures of her around the house. It may be difficult now, but in time she will benefit from keeping her close to her heart.

—Jamilah