Life without social media is not easy for teenagers. How these families navigate adolescence offline

Kate Bulkeley uses her phone to print out textbook pages while Sutton prepares art supplies before a ski vacation in Westport, Connecticut. It's hard to be a teenager today without social media. For those trying to stay off social platforms in a time when most of their peers are immersed, the path can be difficult, isolating, and sometimes liberating. It can also be life-changing.
AP Photo/Julia Nikhinson

WESTPORT, Conn. — Kate Bulkeley's pledge to stay off social media in high school worked at first. She saw the benefits pile up: she had excellent grades. She read a lot of books. The family had lively conversations around the dinner table and gathered for movie nights on the weekends.

Then, as the second year began, unexpected problems arose. She missed a student government meeting hosted on Snapchat. His Model UN team also communicates on social media, which causes him scheduling problems. Even her high school's Bible study club in Connecticut uses Instagram to communicate with its members.

Gabriela Durham, a high school senior from Brooklyn, says navigating high school without social media made her who she is today. She is a focused, organized and honest student. Not having social media made her an “outsider,” in some ways. Before, it hurt; now, she says, it feels like a badge of honor.

With the harmful consequences of social media becoming increasingly well documented, many parents are attempting to raise their children with blanket restrictions or bans. Teenagers themselves are aware that too much social media is bad for them, and some are initiating a social media “cleanse” due to the negative consequences on mental health and grades.

It's the story of two families, social media, and the ever-present challenge of navigating high school. It's about what kids do when they can't extend their Snapstreaks or close their bedroom doors and scroll through TikToks after midnight. It's about what families discuss when they're not fighting in front of a screen. There are also continuing social ramifications.

Both families' journeys show the rewards and pitfalls of trying to avoid social media in a world that is saturated with it.

Concerns about children and phone use are not new. But experts increasingly realize that the COVID-19 pandemic has fundamentally changed children's relationship with social media. As young people faced isolation and spending too much time online, the pandemic effectively carved out a much larger place for social media in the lives of American children.

Social media is where many children turn to form their emerging identities, seek advice, relax and release stress. In the age of parental control and location apps, social media is where this generation finds freedom.

It is also increasingly clear that the more time young people spend online, the higher the risk of mental health problems.

Gionna Durham, 13, left, holds her phone as she eats dinner with her sister Gabriela Durham, 17, unseen.
AP Photo/Andrés Kudacki

Children who use social media more than three hours a day are twice as likely to develop depression and anxiety, according to studies cited by U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, who last spring issued an extraordinary public warning about social media. risks of social networks for young people.

The Bulkeleys and Gabriela's mother, Elena Romero, both established strict rules from the time their children were young and still in elementary school. They delayed getting phones until middle school and said they wouldn't use any social media until they were 18. They educated the girls, as well as their younger siblings, about the impact of social media on young minds, online privacy issues, the dangers of posting photos or comments that can come back to haunt you.

At school, on the subway, and during dance classes in New York, Gabriela is surrounded by reminders that social media is everywhere except on her phone.

Gabriela Durham, 17, says growing up without social media means missing out on things. Everyone knows the same jokes, the same TikTok dances and the same viral trends. Gabriella says she has felt isolated at times, but now finds not having access to social media liberating. “It seems like a lot of kids are using social media to promote a front. And it’s really sad,” she said.
AP Photo/Andrés Kudacki

Growing up without it means missing out on certain things. Everyone except you gets the same jokes, does the same TikTok dances, and is up on the latest viral trends. When Gabriela was younger, it felt isolating; sometimes it still does. But now she finds not having social media liberating.

“From my perspective, as an outsider,” she says, “it seems like a lot of kids are using social media to promote a front. And it's really sad.

There's also drama between friends on social media and a lack of honesty, humility and kindness that she feels lucky to be away from.

Elena Romero, second from left, helps her daughters, from left, Gabriela Durham, 17, Gionna Durham, 13, and Grace Durham, 11, navigate their teenage and teenage years without social media .
AP Photo/Andrés Kudacki

Gabriela studies dance at Brooklyn High School of the Arts. The past year has been intense with college and scholarship applications, capped by the opportunity to perform at the Shubert Theater on Broadway in March as part of a citywide showcase of high school musicals.

“My kids’ schedules will make your head spin,” Romero says. On school days, they get up at 5:30 a.m. and go out at 7 a.m. Romero drives the girls to their three schools scattered around Brooklyn, then takes the subway to Manhattan, where she teaches mass communications at the Fashion Institute of Technology. .

In New York, it's common for children to receive phones by the start of elementary school, but Romero waited until each girl reached middle school and began taking public transportation home alone.

Kate Bulkeley, second after having dinner with her family, was happy to take a break from social media. And then, she wanted to participate in the Bible Study Club, which communicated via Instagram.
AP Photo/Julia Nikhinson

In the upscale suburb of Westport, Connecticut, the Bulkeleys faced questions about whether they could bend their rules. But not for the reason they had imagined.

Kate was perfectly happy not to have social media. Her parents thought that at some point she might resist their ban due to peer pressure or fear of missing out. But the 15-year-old sees it as a waste of time. She describes herself as academic, introverted, and focused on developing extracurricular activities.

This is why she needed Instagram.

“I needed it to be co-president of my Bible study club,” says Kate.

At the start of her sophomore year, Kate told her parents that she was excited to run various clubs, but needed social media to do her job. “It was the school that really drove the fact that we had to reconsider our rule against social media,” says Steph Bulkeley, Kate's mother.

Ultimately, they gave in to Kate's call for Instagram because they trust her and because she's too busy to devote much time to social media.

Sutton Bulkeley feels the weight of not having social media in college, but her busy schedule with theater and dance classes means she gets home most nights at 8:30 p.m., just enough time for dinner and do homework before bed.
AP Photo/Julia Nikhinson

Schools talk about limiting screen time and the dangers of social media, says her father, Russ Bulkeley. But technology is quickly becoming part of the school day. Kate's high school and their 13-year-old daughter Sutton's middle school have cell phone bans that are not enforced. Teachers will ask them to take out their phones to take photos of the material during class time.

The Bulkeleys disagree with this, but feel powerless to change things.

Sutton feels the weight of not having social media more than her older sister. The eighth grader describes herself as social but not popular.

The kids in her class are “obsessed with TikTok” and post videos of themselves that look like carbon copies of her.

From what she's seen, social media has changed in recent years. It used to be a way for people to connect, exchange messages, and get to know each other.

“It’s just about bragging now,” she says. “People post photos of their trips to amazing places. Or looking beautiful. And it makes other people feel bad about themselves.