Dear Coleen: Our 29-year-old daughter still acts like a spoiled teenager

Dear Coleen,

My daughter is 29 and lives 70 miles away with her partner and their one-year-old daughter. My problem is that she treats me like an irritating parent who she doesn't like very much but has to put up with.

She is an only child, and when she was growing up, my husband and I worked hard and made enormous sacrifices to give her everything she could need or want.

I admit that she has probably been spoiled in some ways and we seem to be paying the price. She ruled the roost while living at home and we often ended up walking on eggshells to avoid a meltdown.

She has little respect for me or her father and always talks to us like she's an angry teenager. When I call her because I love her and want to know how she's doing, she acts like I'm intervening.

We've been to visit them several times since our granddaughter was born, which was nice, but my daughter has never come to see us. It got to the point where I gave up on planning things with her.

I don't know what we did wrong to make her so mean. Everything must always happen on his terms. Even though we love his partner very much, I don't know why he doesn't stand up to him. I'm sure he would appreciate us being more involved.

It's tricky because I don't want to shake things up too much in case she stops us from seeing our granddaughter. I'm at a loss.

Coleen says

This will probably seem like a difficult thing to do, but maybe you should take a step back and give him some space to think. You have always been there for her and played such an important role in her life, but maybe she is trying to stand on her own two feet.

It's just a theory, but I bet if you backed out she would miss your calls and start calling you. Sometimes you have to give people the opportunity to miss you and reflect on the relationship. As long as she knows you're always there if she needs you.

In addition, as you yourself know, this first year of motherhood is very difficult. You have to get to work, you're always exhausted from sleepless nights and it's a lot to deal with.

If you get along well with his partner, why not check in with him to make sure he's okay and get his opinion? He could be a good ally and help you have a better relationship.

I know I really like writing letters, but they can really do wonders in a situation like this.

You can say what's on your heart and, unlike a face-to-face conversation, you don't have to worry that the other person will take things the wrong way and storm off. Remind her that you love her, that you're there for her and her family, and then give her some space to think about what you've written. Good luck.

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