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Kate Bulkeley's pledge to not use social media in high school worked at first. She saw the benefits pile up: she had excellent grades. She read a lot of books. The family had lively conversations around the dinner table and gathered for movie nights on the weekends.

Then, as the second year began, unexpected problems arose. She missed a student government meeting hosted on Snapchat. His Model UN team also communicates on social media, which causes him scheduling problems. Even her high school's Bible study club in Connecticut uses Instagram to communicate with its members.

Gabriela Durham, a high school senior from Brooklyn, says navigating high school without social media made her who she is today. She's a focused, organized, straight student with a string of college acceptances – and an accomplished dancer who recently made her Broadway debut. Not having social media made her an “outsider,” in some ways. Before, it hurt; now, she says, it feels like a badge of honor.

As the harmful consequences of social media become increasingly well documented, some parents attempt to raise their children with blanket restrictions or bans. Teenagers themselves are aware that too much social media is bad for them, and some are launching a social media “cleanse” because of the detrimental consequences on mental health and grades, the AP reported.

But it's hard to be a teenager today without social media. For those trying to stay away from social platforms while most of their peers are immersed, the path can be difficult, isolating, and sometimes liberating. It can also be life-changing.

It's the story of two families, social media, and the ever-present challenge of navigating high school. It's about what kids do when they can't extend their Snapstreaks or close their bedroom doors and scroll through TikTok after midnight. It's about what families discuss when they're not fighting in front of a screen. There are also continuing social ramifications.

Both families' journeys show the rewards and pitfalls of trying to avoid social media in a world that is saturated with it.

-A FUNDAMENTAL CHANGE

Concerns about children and phone use are not new. But experts are increasingly realizing that the COVID-19 pandemic has fundamentally changed adolescence. As young people faced isolation and spending too much time online, the pandemic effectively carved out a much larger place for social media in the lives of American children.

Social media is no longer just a distraction or a way to connect with friends, but it has become a physical space and community that almost every American teenager belongs to. Up to 95% of teens report using social media, and more than a third report being on it “almost constantly,” according to the Pew Research Center.

More than ever, adolescents live in a seamless digital and non-digital world, in ways that most adults don't recognize or understand, says Michael Rich, professor of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School and director of the Digital Wellness Lab nonprofit at Boston Children's Hospital. .

“Social media is now the air kids breathe,” says Rich, who directs the hospital's Interactive Media and Internet Disorders Clinic.

For better or worse, social media has become a home base for socializing. It is where many children turn to form their emerging identities, seek guidance, relax and release stress. This impacts the way children dress and speak. In the age of parental control and location apps, social media is where this generation finds freedom.

It is also increasingly clear that the more time young people spend online, the higher the risk of mental health problems.

Children who use social media more than three hours a day are twice as likely to develop depression and anxiety, according to studies cited by U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, who last spring issued an extraordinary public warning about social media. risks of social networks for young people.

Those were the concerns of the Bulkeleys and Gabriela's mother, Elena Romero. Both established strict rules from when their children were young and still in elementary school. They delayed giving phones until middle school and banned social media until age 18. They educated girls and their younger siblings about the impact of social media on young brains, online privacy issues, the dangers of posting photos or comments that can come back to haunt you.

In the absence of social media, at least in these two households, there is a notable absence of screen time battles. But children and parents agree: it's not always easy.

– WHEN IT'S EVERYWHERE, IT'S HARD TO AVOID

At school, on the subway, and during dance classes in New York, Gabriela is surrounded by reminders that social media is everywhere except on her phone.

Growing up without it means missing out on certain things. Everyone except you gets the same jokes, does the same TikTok dances, and is up on the latest viral trends. When Gabriela was younger, it felt isolating; sometimes it still does. But now she finds not having social media liberating.

“From my perspective, as an outsider,” she says, “it seems like a lot of kids are using social media to promote a front. And it's really sad. Because social media tells them how they should be and what they should look like. We've gotten to a point where everyone wants to look like themselves instead of being themselves. »

There's also drama between friends on social media and a lack of honesty, humility and kindness that she feels lucky to be away from.

Gabriela studies dance at Brooklyn High School of the Arts and dances outside of school seven days a week. This past year has been particularly intense, with college and scholarship applications capped by an unexpected highlight: performing at the Shubert Theater on Broadway in March as part of a citywide showcase of high school musicals.

After a recent Saturday afternoon dance class in the basement of a Bronx church, the differences between Gabriela and her peers are on full display. The other dancers, ages 11 to 16, sit cross-legged on the linoleum and talk about social media.

“I’m addicted,” says Arielle Williams, 15, who stays up late scrolling through TikTok. “When I feel like I'm tired, I say, 'One more video.' And then I keep saying, “One more video.” And I stay up sometimes until 5 in the morning. »

The other dancers gasp. One suggests everyone check their phone's weekly screen time.

“OH. MY,” Arielle said, looking at her screen. “My total was 68 hours last week.” This included 9 p.m. on TikTok.

Gabriela sits on the sidelines of the conversation, listening silently. But on the No. 2 subway that takes her back to Brooklyn, she shares her thoughts. “These hours spent in front of a screen, it’s crazy.”

As the train rumbles from the elevated tracks of the Bronx to the underground tunnels of the Manhattan subway, Gabriela is on the phone. She texts friends, listens to music and checks a subway app to count the stops to her Brooklyn station. For her, the telephone is a distraction limited to idle time, strategically limited by Romero.

“My kids' schedules will make your head spin,” Romero says as the family gathers Saturday evening in their three-bedroom apartment in Bushwick. On school days, they get up at 5:30 a.m. and go out at 7 a.m. Romero drives the girls to their three schools scattered around Brooklyn, then takes the subway to Manhattan, where she teaches mass communications at the Fashion Institute of Technology. .

Grace, 11, is a sixth-grade cheerleader active in Girl Scouts, alongside Gionna, 13, who sings, is on a debate team, and rehearses her middle school theater production daily.

“I'm so busy that my free time is spent sleeping,” says Gabriela, who tries to be in bed by 10:30 p.m.

According to The AP, in New York, it's common for children to receive phones early in elementary school, but Romero waited until every girl reached middle school and began taking public transportation home alone . Years ago, she sat them down to watch “The Social Dilemma,” a documentary that Gabriela said made her realize how much tech companies manipulate their users.

Her mother's rules are simple: no social media on phones until age 18. Girls are allowed to use YouTube on their computer but cannot post videos. Romero does not set screen time limits or restrict phone use in rooms.

“It’s a fight, don’t get me wrong,” Romero says. Last year, the two youngest girls “slipped.” They secretly downloaded TikTok for a few weeks before getting caught and severely lectured.

Romero plans to bend his rule for Gionna, an avid reader interested in becoming a young adult “Bookstagrammer” – a book reviewer on Instagram. Gionna wants to be a writer when she grows up and loves the idea of ​​reviewers getting books for free.

His mother is torn. Romero's main concern was social media in middle school, a critical age when kids are forming their identities. She supports the idea of ​​using social media responsibly as a tool to pursue one's passions.

“When you’re a little older,” she told her daughters, “you’ll realize that Mom wasn’t as crazy as you thought.”