A Teenager I've Never Met Sent a Mysterious Invitation

Lina PortmanJune 4, 2024

0 3 minutes read

dear Amy: I got married (at 30) to a man who had two children. The girl was 7 years old, the boy 2 years old.

We were together 16 years before we divorced. Thirty years later, I have a close bond with my 53-year-old former daughter-in-law, but I have never been able to maintain a bond with my son.

Now I received an invitation to his daughter's graduation party.

I am taken aback and don't know how to react to this gesture. I do not know this young woman and have never been included in their lives.

Should I just send a pretty card?

– On the fence

Dear on the fence: Yes, just send a nice card. There's never a downside to sending a nice card.

In the confines of your personal universe, someone, somewhere suggested that this young woman contact you to invite you to her graduation party.

The graduate's aunt (the former daughter-in-law you remained close to) might have encouraged her brother and daughter to make an effort to get to know you a little.

Some people might accuse this girl of “gift trolling,” but my theory is that the high school graduation celebration is often the first party for which young people have invitation privileges that include a wider circle than from their immediate friends – and they tend to extend invitations. a wide and sometimes awkward net.

dear Amy: My widowed mother, 83 years old, is depressed and I don't know how to help her.

She refuses to see a therapist and considers medication a crutch. She has always been a very private person, generally distrustful of doctors, and would never let her shields down in front of a stranger.

I told her I'm not a therapist, but she has recently started confiding in me things that, even as an adult, I shouldn't hear.

Depression is hereditary. I've seen a therapist in the past and I'm on medication, so I understand and sympathize, but it's getting to the point where I'm afraid to see her, and yet I know I'm her only lifeline .

How can I help him?

– Worried

Dear Concerned: People sometimes begin to reveal long-repressed or repressed trauma very late in life, when – for various reasons (medical, emotional and cognitive) – their defenses are weakened. Studies of World War II survivors have shown that the strong and stoic “Greatest Generation” had nightmares, remembered traumatic events, and suffered from depression very late in life.

Quoting a study: “In aging people, classic symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may not manifest, but considerable distress may occur when faced with reawakened memories of traumatic experiences. »

Therapy helps. Medication helps. And yet, many older people are resistant to the idea of treatment like your mother does.

My first suggestion is that you return to in-person (or telehealth) therapy immediately, to manage this burden, which is a trigger for you.

I urge you to look for healthy ways to be open and present with your mother, while resisting the temptation to try to provide her with answers or your own therapy.

Being in the moment with her is a special and empowering type of witnessing. You stroke his hand. You say, “Mom, I’m so sorry. I am really sorry. You sit quietly and if you're able, you stay quietly in the moment with her, letting her talk.

I wonder if you could encourage your mother to pursue treatment by asking her if she would consider doing it “for” or with you.

A good and competent therapist helps their client move from being a stranger to being a reliable and helpful ally.

dear Amy: “Sad Future Bride” didn't have a man in her life to walk her down the aisle, and her mother didn't want to either.

My niece recently got married. She was an older bride getting married for the second time and I was excited to see their procession. She entered alone, moving slowly down the aisle, her eyes glued to her groom who was waiting for her halfway. There they joined hands and continued together towards the front.

I thought about the symbolism of their entrance: two people alone, meeting each other halfway and walking the rest of the way together. Sounds like the definition of a marriage, doesn't it?

– Wedding witness

Dear Witness: It's good. I hope it catches on.

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.

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